Ride-On Vacuum

I’m not going to vacuum till Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne Barr

It’s only fair, you know. Why is it that men get all the really cool toys. Cleaning house takes a lot of tools, more than mowing the lawn. And do you see them coming up with tons of gadgets to make a housewife’s life easier? Me neither. Excuse me if I don’t equate a bag-less vacuum to a ride-on mower. Not quite the same thing.

Men get self-propelled mowers, mulching mowers, tow-behind mowers, and the ever popular ride-on mower. What I wouldn’t give for a vacuum that could do any of those things. I suppose some vacuums are self-propelled, but until they make one that does it without me having to tag along, it’s not self-propelled enough.

What I’d really like though would be a vacuum with a mulching attachment. No more worrying about those pesky dog toys getting caught up underneath or a shoelace tangling itself in the wheels. They’d be chewed into mulch in seconds. So much for having to pick up discarded candy wrappers or that ever popular Kleenex that’s taken up permanent residence on the great room floor.

How about a tow-behind vacuum so I’d have some place to throw all the stuff that I have to pick up and put away. Instead of having to make thirty or more trips from one end of the house to the other, I could just toss it in the back and ride from room to room dropping stuff off as I went. It’d be great as a way to carry all that laundry too. No more struggling to lift the over-full laundry basket and I wouldn’t have to make more than one trip.

My favorite though would be the ride-on vacuum. This would be the ultimate in-house cleaning gadgets. There could be cup holders, a built-in iPod dock, GPS, designer colors, — everything. Not that I’d need GPS, but if you’re going to get a ride-on vacuum, you might as well go all out and I really want it in lime green.

And no, my house is not that big, but have you seen how small the lots are that some of the these men that have ride-on mowers are. I swear my kitchen is bigger. Plus, typically our lawn gets cut once a week, whether it needs it or not. Vacuuming needs to be done around here daily — not that this happens, but if I had that ride-on vacuum, it would have a far better chance of happening.

So, fair is fair! If men can have ride-on, mulching, self-propelled, tow-behind mowers for taking care of the outside of the house, I see no justifiable reason women cannot have the same features in a vacuum for taking care of the inside. And don’t get me started on how helpful it would be to have a dust blower, just like my husband’s leaf blower. I can see me now — protective goggles in place, work gloves on my hands, and a 195 MPH gas dust blower on my back. It’d have to be a backpack model and how about giving that a vacuum feature too. This way when the kids leave that dirty laundry all over their bedroom floors and the towels all over the bathroom, I could just suck them up and drop the bag in the laundry room.

I am really going to have to spend more time in the lawn and garden section at Home Depot. The possibilities are endless. At the very least, they should come up with a vacuum that has a cord long enough to get from one end of the house to the other, a hose that has enough suction to pick up a bowling ball, a crevice tool that can get under the couch and behind the refrigerator without me having to move them, a bag that never bursts, and a belt that never breaks. Having someone to operate this vacuum would be nice too.

Until vacuums catch up with all the advances of lawn mowers though, I’ll marvel at how far we have come since the broom and dust pan were our only options, and for this I am — Simply Grateful.